hope

3 months later..

2005-12-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

3 months later..
----------------------

sometimes, ignoring can bring about the best feeling in the world.

bmt was, an experience filled with ups and downs.

a newer life awaits, more discoveries to be made.

anticipation holds the key for today.

please God, i dont know how ..

renewed

2005-09-08T11:30:00.000+08:00

renewed
------------

today's the big day.

i couldnt really sleep last night. guess i was a little scared, and excited. quite a nerve wrecking experience i'd say, this anticipation.

i feel my brain has rotted quite a considerable bit this 5 months. i cant even speak or write proper engrish now. how ar?

but still the late enlistment date and all the opportunities it allowed was all God's plan i say. had the opportunity to attend retreats and conferences, as well as to travel and perform. the former set me thinking quite a bit, trying to draw fair balances from all the experiences i got; and the latter didnt necessarily provide very positive reflections but i attribute them all to the process of humbling myself and growing in the Lord. working was as usual a great bore, the only excitement i got was to witness some really intense politics.

im gonna miss music quite a bit when im in there i guess. no Christian songs for 2 weeks!

on the bright side im getting a new hairstyle.

bored

2005-06-25T12:17:00.000+08:00

bored
--------------

2 days to employment.

13 days to unemployment.

15 days to wasbe.

18 days to graduation ceremony.

23 days to kerkrade, netherlands for the 15th world music contest.

32 days to an eventless life. somebody please provide me a job, or extra pocket money. thanks.

75 days to tekong. wait i think i counted wrongly. but who cares.

.

class of 2005

2005-04-21T16:09:00.000+08:00

class of 2005
-------------------

GRADUATE.

God is good. for wat he has put me through this 3 long years, im eternally grateful.

for now, tekong beckons. 140 days more.

sometimes i still dream about you. this scar that never seems to heal.
.

take me deeper

2005-04-20T01:42:00.000+08:00

take me deeper
----------------------

music is the only element to put me in a whole new world.

the sound of music was touching. and good. musicals are always interesting cuz it's a great place to observe people's dressing and behavior. but it's wierd to be watching a popular original cast broadway performance and at the same time realize that there are people you know performing in the pit orchestra.

hmm. i feel as though the whole world is pointing at me with their fingers and shouting escapist into my face.

so the world has a new pope. wonder wat kinda political repurcussions there will be now that the old pope is gone and the new pope is here. ok i realize this sentence doesnt make a lot of sense. well it actually does makes sense just that it sounds funny. maybe it's cuz i mixed too much vodka in my sprite. so yeah you get the idea.

was watching friends just now and everybody loves raymond last night. super funny shit. i really miss whose line is it anyway. at least the drew carey more show is still being screened so i get to see 2 of the 3 clowns on that cast.

i find charity shows so hypocritical. the idea of offering rewards to encourage the public to make donations is so ironic and contradictory, especially for monetary gains. this year i see the organizers have taken that extra effort to make the nkf show less jaded by making celebrities more aggressive by teaching us how to dial numbers into our handphones and press the send button. now how cynical is that.

alright maybe i was just being opinionated. at least there are people out there doing their best to help the needy.

prom was pretty fun. i realize make up and hair styling can do wonders. anyway it was during xinyu's opening speech when it hit me that we were really leaving. it was a moment and feeling that i guess il remember for a very long time.

i really hate it when people go back on their word so casually and nonchalantly, much more when it puts me in a spot.

if only the world's economy starts to crash down and money became unimportant thrash making everything worthless and everyone equal. then maybe.. just maybe life would become more meaningful, worthwhile and enjoyable.

there are two things that i really want to do now:
1) play my sax
2) kick a ball

oh yes. cat high band. gold with honours eh. good job.
.

no me ames

2005-04-07T02:10:00.000+08:00

no me ames
------------------

no me ames, whatever that means, is a beautiful song.

it has been barely a week since exams ended. now it's just the agonizing wait for results that confirms graduation. doesnt help that ive come to a stage where im just so weary of everything i used to do.

the past week has been pretty eventful so to speak. and i havent felt the way im feeling in a pretty long time. partly cuz the burden of sch is finally off my shoulders, and also partly cuz ive put other bugging issues into perspective; and although the little repercussions of it still get to me once in awhile, im more or less a happy person.

:)

been observing certain friendships lately. growing friendships, stagnating friendships, and friendships that make the word seem all too cynical. i feel sad that im moving on in life without certain people who used to be really important to me; but at the same time im rather glad with the new opportunities and people that God has presented to me. ive always marveled at how some people can just instantly become so close to you, go through the same things as you, understand you and become part of your life. it's spiritual i say. but the one enemy that friendships face is vulnerability, which in this context is a very ambiguous word.

1 thing i feel very strongly about is how trust and responsibility should come with friendships.

just wonder how many friends ive let down in my life. but then again, i guess it's better that theyre left unrevealed.

champs league. :)

gotta escape now

2005-04-01T16:26:00.000+08:00

gotta escape now
-----------------------

and my life seems to stop as if something is over and something has scarcely began.

.

stretched

2005-03-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

stretched
----------------

i wonder how id feel if it was true. euphoria would be far-fetched and devastation extreme. hope id be lacking in emotions but that would be inhuman. whatever it is, i prefer not to think so much. from wat ive concurred, it's not worth it.

my horoscope in the life section of today's newspaper tells me something which i find very amusing. alright i actually dont believe in any of that. but still it was in a way interesting.

been jogging for the past 2 days. ran/walked at least 10 click today. my hamstrings feel so stretched and numb and painful at the same time. but it's a good feeling. it's time i build my abominable fitness level.

argh another earthquake.

i think the end of the world is coming.

abhorrence

2005-03-25T01:42:00.000+08:00

abhorrence
-----------------

i always find it so ironic when im watchin drama serials and lines like that are included in an actor's script:

"youre not filming a drama show."
"these things only happen in the movies."

wat's wrong with scriptwriters and directors nowadays man.

angst

2005-03-24T20:27:00.000+08:00

angst
-----------------

f word. ss's a bitch. really.

cant get the voices outta my head

2005-03-03T14:01:00.000+08:00

cant get the voices outta my head
--------------------------------------------

tmr's gonna be the last day of actual lessons. next week's gonna be presentations, presentations and more presentations. then study break. then exams. then graduate.... yohoooooooooooo!!!!!!! but before that, PROJECT RUSHING!!!!! oh yes it doesnt take much to know that the bridge club has been bridging too much this semester and havent really gotten any projects going. so tonight's the night we're gonna make up for all project time lost and stay up to RUSH our ecd report and ecid prototype.

anyway i just thought id blog inconsequentially again before i really get lost in entrepreneurship. it's all lindsey's fault. 'just blog and get on with life' she says. and whilst im typing this she's presently seated on my left in ecid class. guess wat she's doing. yes she's BLOGGING.

this week flew by really fast. genting was pretty boring. took the opportunity to widen the bridge community and got justin a devirginalized bridger. oh yes check out how addicted he got.

"quick dont waste time, find a table.."
"dont think so much, just play bridge.."
"seeya on saturday, bring the cards..!"

we spent half of our time in malaysia on a bus and the other half playing bridge. and the stupid bus broke down on our way back and we couldnt watch the league cup final. DAMMIT.

and talking bout bridge, guess who called us all out on monday night when the rest of us had an oh so important solution selling call on tuesday morning. it's none other than LINDSEY LI. oops i meant lindsey LAH PING CHIA. well anyway she had her presentation last week, and she said she could help us with ours, but she just WANTED TO PLAY BRIDGE! lindsey do you feel so honoured yor name appears so much in my blog? ok la il be nice and type out yor real name for once. it's lindsey chia li ping.

and whilst we were suffering from the sleepy repercussions of our ibs sales call, we were all called out to the esplanade by the same lindsey li to take pictures for our kms photo assignment. at MIDNIGHT. which was incidentally the dateline for that assignment. but anyway, that was quite fun cuz the atmosphere and scenery was excellent and we were taking dumb videos and singin our hearts out. "if you cant beat them, join them.." but seriously 1 spoilt jukebox - lindsey, is really quite bad enough. oh yea and there was this wierd guy who tried to stop us and chase us home but he couldnt even speak english. wierdo.

and then on wednesday we finally STARTED getting serious on our projects, staying in the library till it closed to get some work done, albeit angie doing her usual ZHONG SE QING YOU act. and the policeman drama. or rather, the policeman gaga.

night time in skool brings reminiscence of iip..

it's gonna continue tonight. yup. the most dilligent and conscientious project group in the world - the bridge club, has already booked a project room in the library room till it closes tonight. so watch out for us!!!!!!!!!!!

my hersey's chocolate bar is finishing, i needa go downstairs to buy somemore.

and i want my tagboard back.

ciao.

dyin inside

2005-02-23T21:04:00.000+08:00

dyin inside
-----------------

my back hurts real bad. i think i need some medical help soon.

being in ss class probably feels exactly like a hostage held captive by a terrorist and being slowly tortured to death. that's how traumatizing the whole 4 hour experience can be. and this is about as diplomatic as i can get towards this issue.

i had lots to say bout this initially but ive subsequently decided to hold it all back. opinionated comments are oftenly politically incorrect, biased and misintepreted as personal attacks. in any case, airing of such views can be quite unhealthy.

heh yes samz, chingay's really good for health. unfortunately they only come in annual 2 hour doses and youve already used up yor once in a lifetime quota. heh.

rasull thanks for the encouragement. and chill man. hope everything's alright for you and yor skool now. YOU NEED A BREAK. oh yes send me the columbine anthem recording! and cny2005! grin.

went back to gongjiao today. everything has changed so much. the building is almost unrecognisable and the new version of the uniform looks really disgusting. a totally new generation has taken over the skool now and the band sounds just as bad. oh well. my alma mater, without any sense of homecoming. there was still some space for nostalgia though.

argh im still a confused nut. holding too many things deep within me that i really wanna just let go. but not here.

see blogs are so ironic. theyre personal, yet published for all to see. crap.

tv time.

confusion

2005-02-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

confusion
----------------

life's becoming such a drag. cant wait for march 31st to come. then il really start missing skool. wondering if i should bring a camera to skool everyday from now on and start taking shots of moments never to be forgotten.

yes i remember kinsey lah ping chia saying "time is made up of captured moments".

perspective changes give insightful and refreshing reviews in perception towards retrospective views. but it isnt exactly much of a solution. ive been feeling quite an idiot for the past 24 hours for praying so hard and then stupidly refusing God's almost immediate response.

sigh. the trials and tribulations one has to endure. at least i know God's working in my life. :)

i really hate it when i get myself caught up in thoughts that bring about melancholy and moodiness.

went out with the bridge club after our rare monday class today. ate at this posh looking jap restaurant at the esplanade where the sushi was pretty good and prices were surprisingly non-exorbitant. it was fun sitting there chilling out, joking around, playing bridge and taking funny pictures. got me into quite a good mood for awhile. cant wait to see the photos.

suddenly feeling a bit of stressed for this semester. datelines are approaching and there's much to do. not to mention im really lost in the syllabus. it's the final lap, screwing up is the last thing on my mind. really hope i pass the ecd test.

piqued

2005-02-19T02:35:00.000+08:00

piqued
------------

bloody nose is still bloody blocked as it has been for the whole bloody day. sneezed through the whole bloody afternoon. bloody ecd test was a bloody bitch. and the bloody bus was caught in a bloody traffic jam all the way to bloody town and then diverted cuz of bloody chingay and i had to walk all the way from bloody far east to bloody cine. bloody hell.

i quite like being left alone at times. the scars in my heart will never seem to heal. it's tough how sometimes you make a decision and try to stick by it before discovering that youre actually just deceiving yourself. i just cant make up my mind.

sometimes i pause and wonder how many poly friends il actually keep in contact with after we all graduate. it's disturbing how superficial some friendships can be. not the kind of friendships i particularly enjoy having.

looking to the future, life seems to be on a fast forward button. it just depends what God has in store for me. just praying really hard il make it to a uni where i can do something that i really wanna do.

was pondering over this brief topic we had during cell 2 weeks back and concluded that the world is quite hatable afterall. the unfairness, the inequality, the hate between nations, the bloodshed, the poverty, the slavery, the stereotypes, the discriminations, the segregation, the mockery, the rich becoming richer, the poor becoming poorer, the ironies, the natural disasters, the human disasters, soldiers being sent to die, innocent lifes being taken away so casually.. i could just go on forever.

it pains me to see how so many people around the world are suffering, or living lives not even comparable by our standards.

but it doesnt take that much to realize how hypocritical and rhetorical this world is. just look at real issues closer to you. for instance the disabled, the handicapped, kids with down syndrome, maybe the really low in iq people, or even the very bad looking people, and not to mention the elderly who survive by picking garbage off the street. will they face difficulties being accepted into the mainstream society? will talks of being a united nation be nothing but propaganda? or will cliches such as 'life can be beautiful if you make the most of it' continue to dominate the minds of many?

ok maybe im just being discontented.

bite me.

life goes on

2005-02-14T14:56:00.000+08:00

life goes on
---------------

just woke up. haha. cant believe how long i actually slept. must have been at least 15 hours. woo. but pretty much needed it since i was like super zonked out yesterday.

yesterday was a pretty fulfilling day. service was good. worship was as usual very moving. still no drums but im getting used to it. sermon was not just a good reminder but a great stepping stone. thought long and hard bout certain things on our little road trip to the airport and made 1 or 2 tough decisions along the way. feels like a prayer seemingly answered.

:)

realized that there are actually lots of troubled people out there. just that some show it, many dont.

seoul raiders was a crappily funny show. tony leung is a superb actor. thought the show would be as serious as infernal affairs but it turned out the total opposite. full of nonsense, but high in entertainment.

:)

aiight now it's back to project doing. and elearning.

oh yes happy v day peeps!

:)

crossroads

2005-02-13T02:40:00.000+08:00

crossroads
--------------

reality is finally beginning to set in.

it's strange how bothersome issues can sometimes feel so trivial, always so confusing, and how they suddenly make me so uninterested.

either way, im frustrated. it's time to move on.

ive always wondered how my life would be like if i had made different decisions in the past - wat if i came from a different skool? wat if i had choosen a different path after my 'o's? wat if i had never met Christ? would life be as turbulent as it is now? or would life now be a bed of roses compared to wat i could be experiencing? hope it's the latter. there's no better feeling in the world than contentment. and such thoughts normally bring about loads of self-fulfilling prophecies anyway.

i love town on saturday nights, the atmosphere is wonderful. dusk makes scenery look picture perfect.

:)

i need a new hairstyle.

sleepy

2005-02-12T05:25:00.000+08:00

sleepy
---------

life is a huge contradiction.

questions and prayers are antangonizingly being left unanswered.

it's terribly scary to backslide, realize it and yet not do anything about it.

im tired of searching for answers that never seem to exist.

give me more ego food please. i want my self-esteem back.

if the world's a stage, i wanna be its scriptwriter.

nostalgia

2005-02-10T13:53:00.000+08:00

nostalgia
------------

ive been reminiscing bout past chinese new years since this year has seemed so boring and pointless.

as i stood at the front porch of my uncle's huge house and staring into the garden that carried many fond memories, i realized for the millionth time how everything has changed and how everyone is different from what they used to be.

looking around, i see my elder cousins even more grown up now. most are enjoying successful careers. some married and giving out ang baos like the rest of the parents. one even nobly gave up her brilliant law career to start a warm and loving family. their children forming a whole new generation below mine. kids who filled the shoes of my past that seemed to have been happening not too long ago, leaving me and my brother stranded between 2 generation gaps.

but these new additions to the family are never ever going to experience the exact same childhood cnys i had. gone are the days of the huge family gatherings, the reunion lunches, the delicious curry, the abundance of food, the games we played, the squeaky turning chair - i remember the good fun my cousins and i had twirling around in that chair, fighting and squabbling for a turn. that chair is gone for good now. the ancient grandfather's clock that was once the centre of attraction had sung its last tune, ticked its last stroke, and was now sitting unnoticed and dusty in one corner. the excellent traditional lion dance that got the whole curious neighbourhood down to spectate had not been keeping up its great standards. now the lion looks scrawny and wears funky nike shoes. other cousins who gradually started to disappear throughout the years remain missing, many carving a niche for themselves somewhere out there in the world - a world that holds endless boundaries for them. im wondering if they will ever be back to share their vast array of experiences with me. i dont see myself ever going to china to start a business. in fact i dont even see myself going to china for whatever reason at all.

i realize there's such a thin line between mature teenagehood and young adulthood.

my little nephews/nieces/cousins were a refreshing sight. it was fun observing their innocent laughter, listening to them babble nonsense, getting inquisitive over tupperwares, nonchalantly ignoring all the attention being shown to them, and enjoying the simplicities of life and toys. oblivious to the ironic images and news reports on war and destruction being broadcasted on cnn. not understanding the subtle meaning behind messages preparing the world for more pain and innocent bloodshed. in any case, they seem really intelligent with bright futures ahead of them. hope none of them grow up to be intellectual snobs. grin.

argh sales data gathering call tmr morning. havent started preparing yet. haha. expected of me eh? no big surprise there. im not a last minute person, really. il start preparing for it when i wake up later tonight. heh.

happy cny!

2005-02-09T02:49:00.000+08:00

happy cny!
--------------

lunar new year. the time of visiting, smiles, red packets, observing auspicious superstitions, mandarin oranges, irritating chinese music, reunions, catching up, and spring cleaning. if anyone should see the state of my table now, you would think that cny isnt really happening at all.

dinner just now was pretty good. steamboat. cousins came over to join us. had a few good laughs. and we all kinda decided that it was more of a teppanyaki style dinner you get at those foodcourts when there's a chef serving you, cuz mum just kept cooking and wouldnt sit down to eat. dad kept cracking jokes. love his sense of humour when he decides to be funny.

it's quite sad when you realize how fast everyone's growing up and getting too tied up with our own lifes that things can never ever be the same again.

tmr's gonna be rest day for me. staying at home. probably prepare for sales call or something. just as well since the shops are all gonna be closed. chu er will be the routine wake-up-early-and-go-watch-lion-dance day.

anyways i spent the night playing around with codes and finally getting my archive links up. yaya i know youre probably thinkin no big deal. but hey. you gotta realize it's probably a really remarkable feat judging by my standards. heh. oh yea my kms blog is up to. same template, but oh well. im just too lazy to go scout for a new skin all over again so there. :P

damn i cant believe how boredom and kms has turned me into a blogger.

was thinking bout how those troubled families out there are coping with festive seasons admist all the celebrations goin on around them. like those who lost loved ones through the tsunami disaster. cant exactly comprehend the actual emotions theyre having right now despite knowing how terrible it must be. but my admiration goes out to those who are able to stand strong and courageous albeit the sorrow and emptiness theyre feeling inside them. it takes a time of adversity like this to make other problems seem so small. i guess the best approach to everything is about making the most of the situation rather than wallowing in self pity.

yea right who am i kidding. it's easier said than done.

im losin it.

sorry for ending a new year post which is better meant for new beginnings and healthy resolutions on such a reflective mood.

time's passing really really slowly today. and msn's being a bitch.

bugger it.

first post

2005-02-04T03:05:00.000+08:00

first post
-----------------

aiight. my blog's finally up and running.

many thanks to kinsey lah ping chia for helping me get the skin and codes done.
'see even esther knows more than you..' ouch. haha. eh heh no offence man esther, yor blog's cool, i like it. and you did everything yerself!!!! heh.

ok anyway i quite like this skin, looks cool eh. just that the title doesnt automatically appear, everything looks TOO black & white, the box containing the tagboard is slightly too small, i dont have many links, and i dont know how to get the archives. but well since this is still the first post i shall assume the archives will appear sooner or later. haha.

so as you can see im still quite a greenhorn at this. but anyhow programming feels fun for the first and probably only time in my life so i shall try and figure out how to solve all the above mentioned problems eventually. congratulate me then. it might never happen. haha. oh yes you can count on it.

that being said and done, i now feel equipped to tackle kms!!!!!! haha. miss teo are you reading this?! heh. yea. so as i run off and get my other stuff done wish me happy blogging and happy blogging to you too!!!!

:)